


right here

by honeybini



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Oneshot, Seo Changbin-centric, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:55:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23729404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybini/pseuds/honeybini
Summary: sometimes, struggling by yourself hurts for too many reasons to list. changbin learns this the hard way.
Kudos: 37





	right here

**Author's Note:**

> just a reminder that this is a fictional work, and if you feel like you might be triggered, please don’t read this! + this title comes from the song “right here” by keshi if you want to listen as you read.

doesn’t everyone have a nasty habit? some kind of flaw that prevents them from perfection? one that allows them to be human?

  
changbin’s is overthinking. he can’t help but to replay situations, assess his behavior, what he said, how he said it, how others think of him for that; did their opinions of him change?; was he too forward?; should he have said something differently?

  
these questions were always fruitless, providing changbin no comfort, only unhealthy inklings of doubt about himself. yet, here he was, thinking about the same things over and over again. he thought about last sunday when he fell asleep on the bus, tired from keeping his head from dropping in his textbook while studying in the library, and missed his stop, having to groggily walk back to his dorm in the stormy weather. he hated how he barely talked to his roommate before knocking out, irresponsibly ignoring his homework. even when he was sleeping, his dreams were restless; his worries took over, invading his supposed moments of rest. he was dreaming of his family, who he missed so much; they reinvigorated his passion and reminded him of his roots and _himself_. they were having a conversation over dinner, and naturally, they asked changbin about college.

  
“changbin, how’s junior year? have you found another internship yet? have you prepared for your exams? do you know where you want to work after graduation? are you making dean’s list?”

  
question after question about his unplanned future choked him up in his sleep, discomfort crawling through his body. thinking over it again, changbin knows his family didn’t mean any harm. they were checking in on him, even if it was only in his dreams, but he didn’t understand why they couldn’t live in the moment. the irony; it probably had to do something with how he couldn’t tear himself away from the past either.  
he couldn’t control his thoughts; they strayed away from his grasp, choosing their own path, often far from where changbin would like.

  
on monday, when he joined his friends for lunch for what felt like the first time in forever, the mindless chatter quieted, and the only thing changbin could hear was the muffled background buzz and the stares of his two friends that screamed at him.

was he doing something wrong? did they want him to leave? was he interrupting? did they not feel comfortable with him anymore? did he do something to make them feel that way? changbin glanced at their faces and saw that they didn’t seem uncomfortable, just surprised. he slightly frowned at this memory; even though hyunjin and felix had welcomed him warmly after an awkward few seconds, he still felt like he had been intruding. he had pushed those thoughts aside as best as he could as he talked to the pair, but he couldn’t help but to feel as if there was a drift, a wedge between him and his friends, and he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what it was.

  
hyunjin and felix were a pair; two peas in a pod; what was changbin to them? he tried to push those questions away, but his restless mind dwelled on the hurtful thoughts nonetheless. hyunjin and felix were probably clueless as to how changbin was feeling, and of course this was changbin’s fault. even when he wanted to tell his friends that he was hurting, it was always so difficult.

  
it was like it was never the right time.  
someone said something else in the group chat, shifting the mood from sentimental to hysterical; everybody laughing but changbin, who buried his conflicting thoughts and feelings deeper in his mind. even in person, when he was ready to take that leap of faith, his thoughts plagued him again. what if they don’t understand? what if they misunderstand? what if they tell someone else? he knows his friends wouldn’t do that, but his past experiences have taught him that trust is like an iceberg, one hit and everything comes crashing down, icy and chilling without remorse.

  
changbin hated himself for not opening up to the very people he encouraged to always come to him. he was a hypocrite. a coward. a person who was hurt too many times, but couldn’t even share those issues with his closest friends.  
if it was up to changbin, he’d have taken those toxic, pointless, sprinting, thoughts to his grave. changbin was familiar with it anyway— digging feelings down so deep so they’re irretrievable.

  
truth be told, changbin was stressed out of his mind, and his mind itself wasn’t calming the darts of insecurity that shot at him without abandon. exams were in three weeks, and here he was, sitting on his ass, drowning in his consuming thoughts. he had a paper due by the end of this week, a reading to review for his class tomorrow, a lab to finish up by midnight, questions to ask his professor, problems to practice...

  
he wanted to start on his lengthy to do list, but everytime he placed his fingers on the keyboard, his mind strayed, and he felt utterly and hopelessly lost. changbin felt unmotivated; the worries clouding his concentration. he hated himself. he wanted— no, he _needed_ to finish his assignments, but he couldn’t.  
suddenly, he was all too aware of his surroundings. his dorm’s desk was still its notoriously miniature size, matching chair wooden and uncomfortable as ever. his bed was still messy from when he woke up an hour ago, with the cover bunched up in the corner.

  
a sudden burst of energy seized him; he had to make his bed. as he smoothed the corners of his sheets, fluffed up his pillow, and flattened the comforter, he realized his roommate, seungmin, wasn’t there. had he been so self-absorbed that he didn’t notice when the younger left?  
he felt depleted of that sudden energy, left even more unmotivated than before. what was the point? could he even do it?  
his body moved back to the wooden chair, settling back in before his laptop, willing himself to at least get something done. he managed to add a few sentences to his paper, sentences that he would definitely be heavily editing later, but sentences nonetheless.

  
shifting to another task, he managed to send that email to his professor, inquiring about the new theory they were studying. his fingers moved sluggishly over the keyboard, but they moved and that was more than enough for changbin at the moment. he became so absorbed in his work that he jumped in surprise, knocking his knee against the desk, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

  
seungmin stared at him quizzically. “hyung, are you okay?” changbin hesitated for a split-second, as he always did when that fateful question was asked. a part of him wanted to admit to the younger that he wasn’t, but he didn’t want to spill his baggage onto seungmin, or burden him with his useless thoughts. he plastered a small smile onto his face, in a poor attempt to reassure the other, “yeah, i’m fine.”

  
seungmin noticed the hesitation, and his concern skyrocketed. “are you sure, hyung? you know you can come to me anytime, right?”

  
changbin stilled, eyes watering on their own accord from how sweet seungmin’s words were. his fingers fidgeted in his lap, as silence sliced through the room. he desperately began blinking repeatedly; he didn’t want to cry in front of seungmin, even if it wasn’t the first time.

  
a warm hand rubbed at his back, and changbin lost any ounce of emotional control, his dam of held back tears breaking open. he was supposed to be the one comforting seungmin; he was the hyung.

  
yet there seungmin was, arms wrapping around changbin’s middle and pulling him into a warm hug.

seungmin was there, and he was grounding the both of them.  
when changbin ran out of tears, he ran out of words as well. his face was blotchy and wet, smeared with salty tears, and he was deeply in need of a couple of tissues. still, he couldn’t find it in him to face seungmin after his breakdown. the calming circles on his back never stopped, though, and even then, he felt his heart warm. this was seungmin, who obviously cared for him a whole lot. he owed it to him to be honest.

changbin gathered his cracked courage and pulled back from the embrace to face seungmin. he felt so vulnerable, unleashing his chained thoughts for someone else to hear. it drained him, but at the same time just having someone hear him out felt rejuvenating. he felt like he was out of breath and filled with relief all at the same time when seungmin pulled him into another hug at the end of it. his reassurance was what changbin needed to quiet his demons for the time being. there was no pity in his comforting gaze, only appreciation for changbin being honest with him.

  
“even if it took some prompting?” changbin questioned, head tilting to the side.

  
“even if it took some prompting,” seungmin assured.

  
when changbin thinks back to that memory, he doesn’t feel repulsed by his insecurities being laid out before another person, he doesn’t regret how it happened or what he said, he just feels profound appreciation and love for seungmin. taking that step was difficult, but he didn’t regret it. not one bit.

“if you need me i’ll be here, right here.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you find yourself struggling, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone. being that vulnerable to someone else is extremely difficult, but it’s also really brave, please remember that! thanks for reading.
> 
> p.s. i have a writing/reading (AUs+books) twitter now it’s @stasungie !!


End file.
